Forenote:
The names of Jeremy Robard’s motivation programs seem to be drug
references. Think, Hold that thought, Complete: THC. Learn, Start, Do:
LSD. Motivate, Demonstrate, then Motivate Again: MDMA (Ecstasy). When
talking about «Motivate», Jeremy says «You’ll hug people and laugh like
you’ve never laughed before», a pretty good description of an Ecstasy
trip.- countess mushroomI never noticed any of that until now. That honestly makes the segment
that much funnier! Thanks!
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Pastor Richards, Jan Brown, and
Barry Stark
Maurice: Thank you, guys! So, we are back on Pressing Issues. Just one
of the many fine shows you’ll hear if you have the patience to listen to
public radio. Although, thanks to the many awards we have won, Pressing
Issues has extended play time and is the number 1 rated show in the Vice
City area. I’m your very entertaining host, Maurice Chavez. A man
climbing the broadcasting ladder at a rate of six knots. Six years ago
I was a clown, and now I’m a success! Hahaha! Think about it! Imagine
where I could be in ten years… I could achieve anything. Anyway,
morality. What is it? Why do we need it? Our ancestors, shortly after
discovering fire, built tools to beat each other over the head and
discovered how to make meat (me?) to celebrate with afterwards. Then,
Columbus came over, shut down the pilgrim discos… Why? All very
confusing if you ask me, and you did, and I ask myself, «That is a
perfect subject for a region-wide discussion show.» …Which is very
lucky because I happen to host one. To discuss the subject of morality
we have firebrand preacher, Pastor Richards, the head of the Pastor
Richards Salvation Statue Organization, a group which plans to raise
enough money to build a statue of Pastor Richards himself. We also have
Jan Brown, leader of Moms Against Popular Culture, or MAPC… Or is it
MAPS… MAPKAY… Uh, I don’t know. We’re deep in acronym hell right
now… Or is it purgatory? And finally, we have Barry Stark, author of
the book «As Nature Intended.» He’s the editor of Vice City’s «Naturist
News» and is working feverishly, it says here, to bring more nude
activities to Vice City. To protect the dignity of our other panelists,
we’ve placed Mr. Barry Stark behind a divider.
Barry: I’m naked back here! It’s my right as a person!
Maurice: Yes… Let’s start with the obvious, yes… Is it moral to be
naked?
Barry: Yes! You can’t stop me!
Jan: Well, I am a mother, so I have to deal with this issue every day.
My adorable kids have learned that it’s wrong to be naked. When it’s
bath time, they know to put on a bathing costume. That’s… That’s also
the reason there are no mirrors in my house. Nudity leads to bad,
naughty things.
Barry: Maurice, if I may interrupt, I haven’t worn clothes since 1982.
Clothes are seriously unnatural. Didn’t you guys learn anything from
the ’60s? I had a revelation when I was in Halle in Germany. I had
always felt very constricted. Then it hit me like a slippery fish.
Clothes are plain wrong. When you’re born you’re not wearing any
clothes. When you die… you’re not wearing any clothes.
Maurice: I’m going to have to interrput you there. What if you die at
work? What if an enormous piece of machinery falls on you while you’re
working?
Barry: Clothes lead to immorality! Nudity stops people from fighting.
Have you see an issue of National Geographic lately? People around the
world are nude. You don’t want to shoot a machine gun or a howitzer or
a flamethrower if you’re naked. It could burn or scold in quite a
personal fashion, quite frankly. Have you been to the zoo? Animals are
naked. If everyone were naked, there’d be no war. Everyone’s
complaining about crime and the theft of cars in the city. No one’s
ever stolen my car. No one’s ever pick-pocketed me. They’ve never even
tried.
Richards: That’s because you’re a degenerate loony.
Barry: If the police were naked, it would set a great example to
everyone. You can direct traffic and eat donuts entirely in the buff.
Richards: Maurice, this kind of immoral behavior is exactly why I’m
buildng the Pastor Richards Salvation Statue. Noah hand an ark, Texans
had the Alamo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my
image. Simple. This 50 story statue will be able to deflect alpha,
gamma, and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the
Artificial Suns will rain down to punish the degenerates of this city.
But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be
a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations,
private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive happily the
predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding
from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the
poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of
the people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into
space, and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent
people ruled by me.
Barry: Hmm… Will there be naked people?
Richards: No, turd brain! It’s morally corrupt people like you we’re
shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh… They’re
the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in
the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future
of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick,
and should be shot I’m afraid to say. We need to build a place to
escape these transgressions.
Maurice: Phew… That’s extreme stuff, Pastor, but we’ll leave amateur
eugenics for a moment and ask our other panelists. Jan, you’re a mom,
so you know everything. What is your thought on all this, and do you
think Pastor Richards stole his ideas from a movie or a book?
Jan: Well, yes I am a mom. My kids are very special. So special they
go to special classes. Now I teach my kids history to give them
perspective. Last night I was telling them about how Magellan sailed
around the Strait of Magellan and met some friendly natives that gave
him supplies. Um, then he had to kill all of them, and that’s an
important lesson about life. If you look at nature, you’ll see many
species that eat their children to protect them. This is especially
true of hamsters. It’s about putting the family first. That’s really
important to me, and where a lot of my morality comes from… And if you
don’t like it, find your own husband and stay away from mine, okay!?!?!
Maurice: Okay… But excuse me if I sound a little confused here, but I
don’t think I understand.
Jan: Now, my morality comes from looking at history and biology and
working out what’s best for my kids and screw anyone else. That’s what
this country’s all about. I mean-I mean, I saw the hippies… What a
load of claptrap. Wha-What’s your kid going to do at a school with a
name like Moonbeam or Wave or Horseradish or whatever they call ’em.
How can you take your kid to a little league game when you live in a
communal farm growing drugs? It’s awful! And that’s what my life is
about: Looking down on others.
Maurice: Yes, I think I can see that now. Moving on. Pastor Richards,
in your book you talk about putting yourself first and how people should
not make sacrifices or help those in need. Do you want to elaborate?
Richards: Oh, that’s right! People need to learn how to take care of
themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book,
I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do
for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That
builds moral character. Morality, Maurice, there’s not much left in
this city. Every time a culture has taken on the doctrine of helping
your fellow man, we get thrown into the dark ages. Look at Russia!
They keep trying to help each other out; extend a hand to a neighbor.
And guess what? Every ten years, someone’s invading, burning down their
homes, and taken their toilet paper. Napoleon, Stalin, Attila the
Hun… All of them. After you read my book, you will understand. I may
have been born in the sea, but I’m no dummy.
Barry: Ugh, are we going to talk about being naked?
Maurice: Yes, soon Barry! Eh, keep your hair on and calm down, please
my friend. Divorce rates are up, standardized test scores are down, and
vampire sitings at the mall… Can the family be safe? …Or to put it
another way: «If we’re meant to be monogomous, why weren’t we born
already married?» Jan, over to you.
Jan: Well, since I’m a happily married mother, I know the family unit is
the basis of all society. Now, even when my husband is working late, or
away on an extended business trip to Hawaii with his secretary, I
understand just how important the family unit is in life. He’s working
hard I can get another station wagon with even more wood on it.
Maurice: Go on. Tell me more about… your family.
Jan: Um well, I like to compare it to nature. After all, it is one
planet, even if we do just want to maime and kill each other.
Especially, me. Now, look at sharks and sandworms. One of my hobbies,
besides making babies and criticizing people, is biology. You learn so
much from nature. People these days, they don’t grow their own food.
They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the super
market. Let me tell you, there’s nothing super about that place. Kids
these days don’t know how to preserve and can their own food. N-No
wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their
friends. What is it, The Degeneratron?* What a crock of shit!
*Do take note that this is not a mispelling. Jan mispronounces
Degenetron.
Maurice: Heh-Hey hey! Watch your language! This is radio, we have
regulations about that sort of thing!
Jan: …But you let a naked man on.
Maurice: Eh, he’s behind a screen. You can’t see him; He’s not that
exciting. Imagine a flabby guy with a pony tail and a nasty rash.
You’ll get the picture.
Jan: Imagine one, I married one. Anyway, what was I saying.
Maurice: Eh, you were discussing The Degenetron, which I understand is a
games machine, then you swore.
Jan: I’m sorry, it makes me so mad. I mean, what I heard my son Patrick
the 3rd… I heard him using slang words in the house the other day.
Rad and cool and stick it… I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his
life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be
spoken properly!
Maurice: What?
Jan: No, don’t interrupt me! I’ve got children, you know, please! This
is really important. This is about the family. Look, look. Nobody
knows how to cook anymore. Nobody knows how to kill anymore. Nobody
knows how to kill dinner. My daddy was a very wise man, before that
tractor pull accident. My daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig.
That’s very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at
first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me
he’d be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother,
I’m proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did
it for my family, and I’ll do it again as a mother. Daddy earns money
and goes away with his secretary and mommy provides dinner and keeps a
brave face on things, even though her heart is breaking. Where are my
pills?
Maurice: Barry… You look like you’ve got something to say.
Barry: I agree. Statistics show that families that spend time together
naked are the best kind of families. You see, social class destinctions
disappear when everyone is naked. I can’t tell if you’re rich or poor,
black or white. It doesn’t matter ’cause we’re all naked. Designer
clothes? Try designer nudism! My body was made by the best designer
around… Mother Nature. That’s why we’re lobbying to build a naked
casino in Vice City, so old people can gamble naked and poor people can
lose hope in the buff.
Richards: It is written chapter 23, verse 5 of my book, he that gambles
his money away is a fool. But he that believes in me will go to spend
eternity in space with other affluent, well-to-do people. It’s that
simple. Do what I say and you won’t have to think for yourself.
Maurice: Oh, but I think it is Pastor. We look around: Nudy clubs,
discos, drinkin… Do people want to be moral? Can you legislate
morality? Can we tell people how to live their lives?
Richards: Absolutely! Yes, of course I can. Just look at prohibition
or the cultural revolution in China. We can learn a lot from history.
General Mao or Stalin, they purged their land of degenerates or
intellectuals, the scum of the Earth in my book, and look at the great
societies they built. People want to be told how to act. Most people
are idiots, and that’s exactly who my teachings appeal to. This
lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries
how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what’s good and
what’s evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese
kids, it’s a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt unnecessarily
in my opinion.
Jan: I agree. I don’t think these people understand just how hard it is
to potty train. You have to give a treat when precious makes a poopy.
My kids are big boned, and they eat prunes every day, but that’s what’s
wrong this country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy.
When my children are hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the
park to catch their own food. They’re learning to be self-sufficient.
Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was
trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he
comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.
Maurice: Okay… It’s time to take a break before we hear about anymore
criminal acts against government employees. You’re listening to
Pressing Issues. Morality is the subject at hand. Let’s explain
exactly how free radio without commerical breaks works. We’ll be right
back.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: You’re listening to VCPR. Finally, a radio station for
teachers and librarians. You’ve been enjoying Pressing Issues. As is
normal, you can’t listen to an hour’s worth of programing on this
station without us begging for money. It’s the bi-daily begathon here
on VCPR, where we hold your favorite shows hostage until you pony up
some cash.
Michelle: You know what’s so great about VCPR? It’s like a shining
torch of cultural enlightenment for Vice City. In these times of
darkness when the hordes are so uneducated, they can barely understand
multi-syllabic* phrases like, «Clean my shoes better, Narissa, or I’ll
report you to the IRS!» or dialectical materialism. Isn’t it great to
have a patronizing voice on the radio?
*Yes, I know how to spell syllabic! =-) Grandpa BG was just having a
brain fart! Thanks Ruiner!
Jonathan: That’s right, Michelle. With the way things are going under
Regan, the unwashed huns from the midwest could descend upon Vice City
and enslave the poets and postal workers and force us to watch network
programing.
Michelle: That is a frigthening thought, but like many things in life,
you can throw money at something and feel better about yourself. VCPR
is your public radio station, but you have to open your wallets.
Jonathan: That’s right. If you pledge at the $1000 level, you’ll get
tickets for «In the Future, There Will Be Robots» at the Vice City Art
Center.
Michelle: People who see that show say it’s difficult to put into
English. That must mean it’s spectacular.
Jonathan: Yes, but if you don’t give money to VCPR, we could be thrown
back to the stone age. Liberals will be set on fire in the streets.
Give now. Let’s return to Pressing Issues. Over to you, Maurice, in
the studio! …Useless, talentless asshole.
Michelle: You’re correct, he is an asshole!
[back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: I love those guys! Really professional and living proof that
all the talent isn’t on commercial networks. These people do it for
love because they have integrity, just like me! We’re back with
Pressing Issues. I’m Maurice Chavez, winner of five public radio awards
in the Vice City area, including best voice. On this show, we take
complex issues and boil them down to simple ones so you can understand.
On this segment of the show, we are discussing morality. Since the
beginning of time, man has asked questions. Why are we here? What time
is it? And is there a place around here a guy can get a drink? Early
man, as seen in the Cave of Lascaux* in France, question the morality of
making the mammoth extinct. I think we all know what happened there.
Is it society’s job to tell each other how to live? Recently, Vice City
considered passing a public curfew that says nobody can be on the
streets after 8:30 PM. Of course, the bill didn’t get passed, but it
made people think. If you don’t vote, you get morons in charge. Is
that moral? I’m not sure. Let’s press the issue.
*Side note: Maurice mispronounces the name of Lascaux, which almost
sounds like he’s saying «lost cause» (originally, it was on this FAQ as
Lascoz). Thanks to countess mushroom for that!
Barry: Children should be at home with their parents naked. A curfew
makes sense. Do you know how much money I save not having to wear
trendy clothes? Read a history book. At the creation of the universe,
the Big Bang, everyone was naked. Even you! Why do I have to stay
behind this divider? Maurice, please!
Richards: Because nobody is interesting in seeing your… «business.»
Because we have standards of decency which you are offending.
Barry: [jumping] Look at me! I’m jumping up and down!
Jan: Oh my goodness! Get back behind the divider, please! I’m married!
Barry: What’s so wrong with me? Why do you hate me? Because I’m happy?
Jan, give me a hug! I won’t hurt you! And by the sound of things, your
husband is doing the same right now with his secretary.
Jan: No! We worked through it! He was stressed! It’s hard keeping a
family together these days.
Barry: Everyone! Take you clothes off and feel what it’s like to be
free of bondage. Everyone out there in Vice City take your cltohes off!
If this is the land of the free, let’s start with our pants! Feel the
wind from the air conditioning! Uh! A breeze is so liberating!
Maurice: Uh, thanks very much. Now, if you could get back behind that
divider Barry, please, otherwise I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Thank you. Uh, no-now sit down… On Pressing Issues, we think it is
very important to respect one another. To treat each other like we
would like to be treated.
Barry: I want a hug!
Richards: If you don’t like the United States, son, why don’t you move
to Russia? I don’t understand people in America today. They call this
a Cold War, but it’s hotter than hell. Mark my words! Anyday now,
you’re sitting in school, passing notes, and talking about the prom when
suddenly you look out the window and there are Russian paratroopers
dropping in to take over. What can you do? Run into the woods with
your friends? Call yourselves The Wolverines? Put twigs in your hair
and beat back the Russkies? No… You hightail it to Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue and blast off into space! But there is a limited
amount of space. That’s why I suggest anyone who wants the safety and
security of your own bunker, give now. Call 866-9SAVEME. We’ll get you
on the payment plan and if you’re paid in full on D-day, you and your
family will be safe! If not, you may have to choose to save yourself
and leave the others behind.
Maurice: Hey hey hey hey! Stop selling things on my show! You’re not a
valued sponsor who supports the art of public radio, buddy.
Jan: I, for one, welcome our new Russian masters. We can learn so much
from other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting
themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for
ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a
threat to my kids all the time, so it’s no wonder they’re so screwed up.
That’s one of the tough things about being a mom; not ruining their life
with guilt. Uh, as a matter of fact I don’t let my kids watch cartoons
or slasher flicks.
Maurice: Really?
Jan: That Knife After Dark movie maybe number one in the box office, but
my kids certainly ain’t going to see it. If you don’t raise your kids
right, they end up being like nude boy over there or working in radio.
I want them to get proper jobs like being a doctor, not a patient.
Barry: That is offensive! My mother understood I was special! She made
me wear a bonnet as a child. And when I demanded to go to school naked,
she was fine with it! After social service moved me she was still right
to me. I still remember when she kissed me goodbye.
Maurice: But Barry, earlier you said you discovered Naturism, taking
your clothes off, whatever it is in Germany.
Barry: I know, but I lie a lot. Uh, I got a lot of personal issues.
Look at me! Please, Maurice! I need a hug!
Richards: There’s another example of immorality in this city; public
showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and
carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you
want to ravage one another like there’s no tomorrow, but you have to
ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like
construction! We’re buildling a statue and we need your help! Call me
now!
Jan: You know, pretty soon you won’t be able to tell who’s a human and
who’s an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I
know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school,
«It might be an android… Suck your brains out.» You must have seen
the mini-series event on television. I read it in a book. We’ve got to
stop looking at the stars- all this science fiction- and focus on the
family. If you really want to dance like you’re on the moon, go there
and leave us in peace! …And that’s a fact!
Maurice: Eh… Uh… What’s a fact?
Jan: I’m sorry Maurice, but I have to tell you… I’m moved to Florida
to bring up the American way; in a theme park. And that’s just the kind
of person I am: opinionated and moronic.
Maurice: I see, well… This panel is certainly interesting. The issue
is morality. Recently, rock artists joined together to provide famine
aide to Alaska with the song, «Do They Know It’s the Fourth of July?»
Critics complain it’s immoral to meddle in the affairs of other peoples
and cultures. Pastor Richards-
Richards: What?
Maurice: What do you make of meddling in other people’s business like an
over-opinionated sociopath?
Richards: Well, let me say that money could have gone to much better
things like reserving a place by my side in the Pastor Richards
Salvation Statue, but I digress and plug.
Maurice: Stop doing that!
Richards: Don’t interrupt me, boy. Anywho, I address the Alaska issue
in chapter 23 of my book. You see, the Alaskans are lunatics, plain
simple. They eat whale and snow and sleep in the freezer. Who wants
to eat snow every day? Oh, I tried to help. I sent a helicopter with
copies of my book but they burned them in a pile for heat. If the
people of Alaska choose to live there, let them, but don’t come crying
when you’re tired of eating penguin and it snows 18 feet a day!
Maurice: Yes, but don’t you think it’s important-
Richards: I think it’s very important to listen to me, young man!
That’s what makes the state of Florida great. Rather than help improve
where they are, people nationwide abandon hometowns, come down here, and
shove their beliefs down everyone else’s throats! That’s the American
way, always has been! We should send some pictures of Flordia to those
people in Alaska. I tell you, they’d throw down that bear pelt, saddle
up the sled dogs, and get pulled all the way to Vice City. And I should
know, I’m from Mars!
Maurice: No you’re not!
Richards: Uh… Mars, Alabama. I founded three colleges there.
Barry: The problem with Alaska is that people don’t get naked. If you
can’t work on your car or play the cello or use sharp knives in your
birthday suit, then what’s the point of living?
Maurice: Uh, well it is a bit cold there. People put on clothes when
it’s cold. We evolved without a warm covering of hair.
Richards: That’s a lie, son! We come from the Great Meteor of Truth!
Barry: Clothes are a habit like shaving and taking out the trash! As
soon as you stop you realize what a prisoner you were to society and a
twisted state of morality. People think that nudists are immoral.
Well, we’re not! I’m married… I love my wife… In our commune, it’s
so wonderful to wake up in a big bed and go to breakfast clothed in
nothing but a smile.
Richards: What kind of people are there in your weirdo commune?
Barry: Single people, families, elderly couples, teachers, politicians,
and especially truck drivers. Truck drivers understand what it’s like
to be by yourself for days on end, with nothing but country music on the
radio and a stick in your hand, shifting gears… Over, and over.
Truckers realize there’s nothing to be ashamed of on the open road. Get
naked, and beat it on down the line! You’ve never seen a sense of
community and morality like a nudist colony. We share everything: the
cooking, cleaning, wives… A shear sense of what it’s like to be a
social outcast.
Maurice: Uh, wait right there, Barry. I’m getting something through the
cas- Headphones that is… Yes… Okay… We just want to tell you a
little more about public radio funding. We’ll be right back after this.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Michelle: Hello! I’m sure you’re enjoying our high quality programing.
I’m Michelle Montanius. Jonathan, I think it’s time to acknowledge the
people who are sending money in to shut us up and end this dreadful
begathon.
Jonathan: Here’s a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you
think she could’ve given more than that.
Michelle: Yes. Mean bitch! I hope she dies an agonizing death!
Jonathan: Absolutely, Michelle! And remember, if you want us to wish you
well, dig deep and dig soon.
Michelle: That’s right. At any moment, conservatives could vote to end
our funding and place a fast food restaurant where our studios are.
See, there are some people that think everything has to make money. It
doesn’t! That’s why you should give now.
Jonathan: Correct. Next week is environmental week, sponsored by
Maibatsu and the Vice City Power Corporation. And next month, we’re
celebrating Proust’s influence on Vice City, in association with The
Degenetron. But for now, let’s return to Pressing Issues. Remember,
VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time Square.
[back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: Welcome back! The show is Pressing Issues! The subject is
morality. I’m Maurice Chavez. Now, let’s carry on pressing the issue!
Now when the Europeans were done ruining their continent with bland food
and soccer riots and arrived in the Americas in the late 15th century,
the subject soon turned to morality. You see, the Europeans wanted to
colonize America so they had somebody to make fun of. The pilgrims left
England for the religious freedom in Holland where they visited
coffeeshops and they packed up their ships with plenty of coffee, tea,
and cakes to liven up the trip, they set sail to the new world… Which
they heard had a magnificent rollercoaster! Once they got here, they
were very hungry having been on ship for 65 days. So, they ate for
three days straight. Thanksgiving soon became an annual custom.
America was founded by people who wanted a place where they could tell
other people how to live, and I’m a history major. But do we have the
right? The question: Is it moral to celebrate Thanksgiving, a holiday
that is clearly about gluttony, annoying relatives, and awful casserole?
Richards: Well I, for one, love a casserole! And at my weekly meeting,
my congregation has a pot luck. You see, a casserole is a lot like life
Maurice, and that’s basis of my philosophy. If you put a bunch of
leftovers in a pan and bake it, someone will probably eat it. Like my
book: You believe in your favorite sports team, then they get massacred;
You believe in gravity, then it turns upside down on you; You love your
favorite TV show, then the network ends it with a lousy finale. But you
can believe in me, and if you believe in something, support it. It’s
one thing to love in something, but if you don’t shower it with money,
then just don’t talk to me. Communism… Don’t make me puke my guts out,
please!
Jan: Well, I myself love casseroles on Thanksgiving. And the way to
teach your children the rich history of America is through theme parks!
I just love Pilgrim World, especially the part where you get the
slaughter your own buffalo and take home the meat, or give the locals
the flu while buying their land off them for a pitance. That’s what
children need!
Maurice: Uh, what is?
Jan: Wholesome activities that benefit the family. What good is it if a
kid plays Degeneratron for five hours? Oh sure, he’s killing space
aliens, thank you very much, but it ain’t putting food on the table.
And, he’s learning bad language like [jibberish, can’t tell what’s she’s
saying]*. When my family go out to dinner we’re starting from scratch,
even if daddy is working late- again- We build our own spears, smear
ourselves with dung, and wait in the swamps for something to come by.
*I’m not sure exactly what she says here, but it sounds like she’s
trying to make beeping noises a bit like old school gaming systems did
back then.
[This just in]
«I’m not sure, but I think Jan Brown’s odd babbling when giving an
example of ‘bad language’ is a joke on her paranoia — she thinks baby-
talk is obscene. It’s a weird joke, and the voice actress playing Jan
doesn’t make it very clear.»- countess mushroom
This sounds logical, although it may not be exactly right. I will still
keep it up here as an interpretation.
Maurice: In the suburbs? I bet your neighbors love you. How long do
you wait? Don’t you get arrested?
Jan: Hey, mister, I’m married! Look at the finger; it has a ring! I’ve
got children for Pete sake’s, stop eyeing me up!
Maurice: I wasn’t-
Jan: You were! I can see you undressing me with your eyes. Well, I
tell you, I was a cheerleader and nearly a prom queen, and I could have
married anyone, but I chose John- I CHOSE him because he had a kind face
and a rich dad. I didn’t know he was going to cheat on me or embarass
me. I didn’t know. But I won’t be made a fool of. I’ve got the
children.
Maurice: Okay Jan. It’s okay. Men are idiots. Ask my ex-wife. Heh
heh heh heh… Don’t worry. Stay calm. I’m not eyeing you up, but I am
a little worried about you. How are the children? Do they enjoy
school?
Jan: Of course they do. That’s precisely why I’m going to start home-
schooling my children. High school is a cult. There’s a group of
savages that rule the roost, and get all the girls, and everyone else is
picked on and abused. It happened to me and look at me: I’m a deranged
mess and my husband cheats on me. I don’t want my kids to go to a
public high school. Instead, we have a prom each year in my living room.
Maurice: …And that leads to my next question-
Barry: People in high school in Chile* are all naked!
Note: Some people say it’s «and cheerleading,» others say it’s «in
Chile.» Both somewhat make sense if you think about it (in an odd sort
of way), so I’m going to keep this note here. I’ve been e-mailed
numerous times about it.
Maurice: I’ve about had it with you, Barry! I tried to be fair… I
tried to be kind, but you are a freak and a liar and wasting everybody’s
time. The organs below the belt are for reproduction and removing of
bodily waste. There’s reason that when I go to buy a soda, or a
transmission, I need to be distracted by your privates dangling about.
Now when I go to the store to buy an air conditioning filter, I’d rather
not have to look at your money-maker, amigo! I’m glad you’re proud of
it, but when people of Vice City are in a Kwik-E-Mart, they should be
able to have a simple financial transaction without seeing your
firehose! Are you with me?
Barry: Sorry, Maurice!
Maurice: That’s okay. Just try to behave. I think the sun must have
got to you or something.
Barry: Yes, maybe that’s it.
Richards: Maurice, if I may, you have a fine show here and… and I’m
glad to be on it, but everyone within the sound of my voice and smell
will die in the fires of doom. It is written, «TV is trash, radio is
trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda. Our very way
of life is threatened. We formed this great state to play golf, and
I’ll be damned if any weirdo hippies are going to tell us we can’t fill
in wetlands and make a home for ourselves, complete with 18 hole
championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will
ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we’ll never hear my voice
again- It will be anarchy!
Jan: TV teaches immorality! Refugees, glue, the price of tea in
China… How can we raise chidren in this environment? My little boy
asked me the other day, [childish voice] «Mommy, are unicorns real?»
What am I supposed to say to that? Do I lie and make myself as bad as
the boy’s father, or do I break the little boy’s heart and ruin his life
so that he ends up a nudist or a freak or something.
Maurice: It’s a difficult question, Jan. A very difficult question.
Is it right to lie?
Barry: Clothes are a lie, Maurice!
Maurice: No, Barry. Clothes are a way of keeping warm and not getting
arrested.
Barry: No policeman has ever hit me with his truncheon-
Richards: I’d like to hit you back to Hell, you sicko! You’re filth!
Human form of vermin! A blight on a fine society of picket fences and
garden parties, and everyone coming three times a day to my statue to
pay homage.
Maurice: Pastor Richards, as a human being, I have to say I find your
philosophy or cult or whatever it is utterly and completely appauling.
Richards: Why thank you! I knew you’d understand.
Maurice: I mean, you seem to want to build a religion around yourself in
some 1950’s vision of America. It’s the 1980’s, man! And one man
worship-me cults are not allow, my friend!
Richards: Exactly! As I say in the great book, «Many are called, but
unless you have a good credit rating, go screw yourself. You’ll burn in
Hell.»
Maurice: Aye, por favor, shut up! Uh, Barry, what are you doing?
Barry: I’m lonely, Maurice! Lonely and I need some bodily contact.
Maurice: Get behind! Get back behind that pannel!
Barry: Don’t be shy! Please, we’ve all got one! That means I’m happy!
Maurice: Hey, stay away from me! I’m a celebrity!
Jan: Oh good lord!
Richards: Mind yourself, boy! I warn you, I’m armed and I’m not afraid
to use it!
Barry: We’ve all got one! Look how free I am! …MMM! The fan feels so
good! I feel you!
Maurice: Hey! Hey, Pastor Richards, please! Put that gun away! Put it
away!
Richards: No! I am a sole judge/soldier** of the truth and decency.
Get back, heathen! Get back!
**This is another one I’m getting a lot of e-mails from. All I can say
is honestly… Trust your own ears on this one and form whatever you
think is right. Honestly, I thought «soldier» was correct, but
anyway…
Barry: I love you all!
Richards: Evil-doer! Die, devil, die!!! [gun fire]
Barry: AHHH! OWW!
Maurice: Dios mio! You shot him! There-there-there’s blood, and-and
pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete
pandemonium here on Pressing Issues with me, the multi-award winning and
soon to be executed Maurice Chavez. Barry, are you okay? Are you
alive?
Barry: Stop the bleeding, it’s down there!
Maurice: Do I have to? Can’t you get someone else?
Jan: [moans]
Maurice: Jan! Aye, Dios mio, he’s fainted!
Barry: No, hold it… Harder! Oh, that’s so good! I need mouth to
mouth. Maurice, please, I might die
Maurice: Uh… Okay… Excuse me, I’m only doing this to save your life.
I don’t want to.
Barry: Thanks… I’m getting cold. Quickly, it’s okay to use tongues.
Maurice: AHHH! Get off of me! I’m happily divorced!
Richards: Shall I send him to Hell, Maurice?
Maurice: Yes- I mean no… No, you psychotic lunatic! Put that gun
away, don’t point it at me!
Richards: …Or you’ll what, son? You think I’m scared of your
conventional, lilly-livered morality? You think you can tell me what to
do? You think it’s wrong for me to have five concubines and spread my
genes, or to use money from the statue for building my own palace in
Hawaii? You think that’s wrong, do you son? Do you? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Maurice: No! NO NO NO-HOHOHO Mr. Pastor! It’s alright! I think it’s
very right. Very right, indeed. You’re the boss! You’re in charge!
You’re the king!
Richards: Damn right I am! Now I’ll tell you about morality. Morality
is what I say is right, and immorality is what I say is wrong. You got
to understand this!
Maurice: [clears throat] Oh, I do!
Barry: Ugh… I’m bleeding! I need a proctologist!
Richards: Shut it! Now, next question. Ask me anything! Ask me
anything you want!
Maurice: Yeah… Well, I’d love to, but it seems that that is about all
we have time for, actually. The thing is, you see, this is public radio
and every once in a while we need to appeal for money, or cut away when
people start brandishing guns in the studio, like this. You’re on
Pressing Issues and in this show we discussed morality. I think we made
a lot of progress and really came together. I am Maurice Chavez. Bye,
uh… Please, don’t kill me!
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: I hope you were enjoying Pressing Issues. I certainly was.
Michelle: Yes, it’s almost as interesting as listening to you, Jonahtan!
Jonathan: Wow… Thanks Michelle! It is, isn’t it? Before we let you
get back to the show, I thought you’d like to know VCPR has managed to
raise $30 this hour, which should keep us on the air for another 15
minutes at least.
Michelle: Thankfully, due to the generosity of the people at Dileo and
Furax, the fascinating show, Legal Review, will still run. But, now,
back to Pressing Issues.
Jonathan: Actually before we let you get back to the show, I’d like to
say something. I know that public radio may not seem very important in
an era of poverty and famine and immense personal grief, but I can
assure you it is. And not just because I say so, look at the facts! 15
of the last 37 American presidents and 47 vice-presidents have appeared
on VCPR in the last month. 33% of all Nobel prize winners started out
in public radio. Without public radio, we would never have discovered
gravity… or the pizza… or the fact that a lot of people love to hear
themselves rattle. Anyway, sermon over. I hope you folks at home
understand how passionate we are about public radio and it has nothing
to do with the fact that I got kicked off the networks.
Michelle: That was very moving, Jonathan. Back to Pressing Issues.
Where is the creep? Put him on!
