Выкладываю обещанный скрипт Vice City Public Radio из GTA: Vice City. Те, кто играл и обращал внимание на радио, наверняка его помнят. В один пост не уместится, так что их будет два… или три, пока не знаю.
Несколько занимательных цитат:
«Maurice Chavez: …But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich, and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Alex Shrub: Yes, we’ve made a lot of progress!»
«The fact is business is run by moral people who won’t do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly» — Alex Shrub
«At one point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog. It was a dog of love, not of hate» — Callum Crayshaw
«Most people are idiots, and that’s exactly who my teachings appeal to» — Pastor Richards
«I am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues. But I especially hate Yankees» — John Hickory
«If you haven’t given money to VCPR, and you’re listening to this station, you are a thief» — Michelle Montanius
«Remember, VCPR is an advertising free zone, much like the moon or Time Square» — Jonathan Freeloader
ABOUT VCPR AND PRESSING ISSUES
VCPR stands for Vice City Public Radio. There is only one show on this station, apparently… Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a debate program hosted by Maurice Chavez. The point is to bring radical point of views together and debate one topic. Of cource, each show somewhat strays from the topic and turns more into a fight. The best part about the program is the satirical comedy aspect. Each character portrays a part of our society: politicians, goths, preachers, over-bearing mothers… Each, of course, is done in a ridiculous manner, hence the satire aspect of the show.
One thing you should notice is that a lot of characters contradict themselves at some point or another (just a part of the satire aspect, of course). For example, Jonathan Freeloader and Michelle Montanius (even Maurice Chavez at a few points) costantly say that VCPR is commercial free, advertising free, and you get no blatant interruptions. However, they plug a lot of «valued sponsors» and interrupt the programing to beg for money (ahh, gotta love irony!).
CHARACTERS AND ACTORS
Maurice Chavez (Phillip Anthony Rodriguez) — The host of the only show played on VCPR, Pressing Issues. A retired clown and divorced man who is said to be «living on the edge», Maurice takes control of the show and tells everyone to shut up constantly.
According to jkoleck, Maurice is a parody of talk show host Ray Saurez. He hosted the show «Talk of the Nation.» I will be looking into the site enclosed in the e-mail later and post some more info here on this FAQ.
Jonathan Freeloader (Patrick Olsen) — One of the people running VCPR. He used to be on a network station until he was fired. Constantly begs for money for the station with his partner, Michelle.
Michelle Montanius (Kelly Guest) — Works with Jonathan on VCPR. Seems to have a rather callous attitude.
Alex Shrub (Chris Lucas)- A state representative who uses his propaganda to give himself a positive image.
Alex Shrub seems to be a parody of George H.W. Bush (Shrub —> Bush? Get it? Both types of foilage), especially with the continued references of tax cuts for the rich. However, his personality also seems to be mingled with «McCarthyism,» (communism scares) as he makes repeated references to being a communist and preferring a «hammer and sickle», symbols of communism.
Callum Crayshaw (Sean Modica) — A young man who set up a trust fund with his father’s money. Has traveled the world and has seen many cultures. Wishes to apply principles of the other cultures to America to give them
«hopes» and «dreams».
John F. Hickory (LJ Gansen) — A redneck with reactionary ideals. Wants to break Florida away from the rest of the US to keep the «outsiders» out.
Pastor Richards (David Green) — A reactionary priest who was inspired by 80’s preacher Jimmy Swagart. Richards plans to build a statue of himself and launch it into space with anyone who helped fund the statue. His reason for doing this is to leave behind those who are «morally corrupt».
Jan Brown (Maureen Sillman) — A conservative mother who values the atomic family unit. Her husband constantly cheating on her and her difficult past has taken its toll on her sanity, which then puts the sanity of her children also in question.
Barry Stark (Renaud Sebbane) — A «naturist.» In other words, he’s naked. Has come onto VCPR to tell the world about the «evils» of wearing clothes.
Jenny Louise Crab (Mary Birdsong) — A woman whose parents were brutally murdered. Jenny seems to keep a (psychotically) happy attitude despite such an incident.
Konstantinos Smith (Konstantinos.com) — A severely depressed goth who dresses in all black and talks often about death and dying. Always has a negative attutide about everything and always wishes for the worst.
Jeremy Robard (Peter Silvestro) — A man with a program to help guide people toward positive thinking. Always blantly plugs on the show.
Do note that there is no definite start to the program. It pretty much loops with no definite end or beginning…
Characters involved: Maurice Chavez, Alex Shrub, Callum Crayshaw, John
[after a message from Michelle and Jonathan asking for funding]
Maurice: Thanks guys! Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to
Pressing Issues on VCPR. That’s Vice City Public Radio. Radio which
gives people exactly what they want: High quality educational
programming about serious topics and the consistent reminder that this
world is going to hell in a handbasket if you don’t give us money.
Remember, Vice City Public Radio is commercial free because it is funded
entirely by donations by our listeners… and corporate sponsors. So,
if you’re enjoying the show, why not make a contribution? I am Maurice
Chavez, and this is Pressing Issues. Pressing Issues is a roundtable
discussion group in which we as self-important people exactly what they
think about things and then they argue amongst themselves for a bit…
Before leaving with views more extreme than when they came in. Only
joking, ladies and gentlemen! This is a show founded on the ancient
Greek principle of enlightened debate and the American principle of free
speech. Or is that the ancient Greek priniciple of feeding wisemen
hemlock and the American principle of being annoying (annoyed?) and loud
so no one can get a word in? I forget. Only time will tell. Now, the
subject that we are discussing right now on Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez, for your enlightenment and enjoyment is a very serious
one: Public Safety. In case you haven’t noticed, Vice City is not a
very safe place. These are troubled times. We are a troubled people.
Some would say we are a people at war with ourselves. Other say we are
at war with reality. Those who live in other countries and strive to
own our fast food restaurants and Kwik-E-Marts would say we are a blood-
thirsty bunch of crazies who let children buy guns from the super
markets. Another opinion is that it is the fault of society. That, as
Plato said, «People don’t mean to kill each other.» It happens because
they are poor or desperate or really thirsty or in need of a vacation
or something. Another view is that we are all a little confused and
really should stay at home, locked in doors and forget about everything
as quickly as possible. So, let’s press the issue, eh?! Sitting at our
panel right now, we have three divergent opinions. Three separate items
of insanity in a rolling sea of stupidity. Three wisemen following very
different stars. To my right, heh, to everyone’s right in fact, we have
congressman Alex Shrub; the youngest state congressman to ever be
elected by Vice City and now a respected man in the capital. Mr. Shrub
got elected because he has great hair and says things that make you nod
your head. His campaign appealed to the wealthy because he set all of
us at ease by confirming, «It’s okay to be rich, as long as you say you
care about the children.» Mr. Shrub, welcome!
Alex: That’s not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to
the poor… who were too stupid to understand what I’m saying, so I held
up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their
most base insticts. Thanks Maurice. I’m glad to be given this
opportunity to set the record straight.
Maurice: I haven’t given you any opportunity yet, my heartless friend.
Let me introduce my other guest first.
Alex: I hope this isn’t going to get personal. I love Vice City more
than anyone, and I can proove it.
Maurice: Yes, that’s coming from the man who got elected by calling his
opponent a «buffalo butt» and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn’t fight
his way out of a wet, paper bag. Anyway, our next guest is from the
opposite end of the political spectrum. A man so wet, he looks like he
just stepped out of the shower. Peace Corps activist, hippie concert
taper, founder of the group «Speaking for the Underdog». He is fluent
in seven languages and studied the harp in Peru: Callum Crayshaw.
Callum: Hi Maurice! Hola. Buenos dias and noches. Bonjour and
buongiorno. Wilkommen. Hallo, hello, hi!
Maurice: Uhhehehe… Let’s stick to English. Most of us struggle enough
with that. Welcome to Pressing Issues… And lastly, we have a man with
a noble solution to the problems of public safety in Vice City. A
solution so stupid, I cannot bring myself to explain it for him. Yet,
like break dancing, it is sadly catching on. A man who appears on this
fine show because our previous know-it-all panelist was car-jacked and
is now at home arming himself to the teeth. I give you John F. Hickory.
John: How y’all doing!?
Maurice: Indeed. So, before we get started, gentlemen, let me remind
you of the rules of engagement. Here on Pressing Issues, the number one
rated show on public radio in the Vice City are and hosted by me,
Maurice Chavez. Pressing Issues is about free speech, not feeding each
other hemlock, literally or metaphorically.
John: My daddy used to grow that stuff in the back woods in Missouri.
HOOOWEEE! I tell you what!
Maurice: Yes, thank you! I expect you to listen to each other and I
will only step in when necessary only so people on the Earth don’t
forget what my voice sounds like, heh heh heh heh. So, I want a clean
fight. Nothing below the belt on in the chops. And remember Maurice’s
moto, which a very wiseman, my father, once told me, «If you listen, one
day you might be heard and when in doubt, use the smell test.» That’s
so important I think. Don’t you? So, congressman, let’s start with
you. Crime is up, people are scared to walk the streets, nobody is
taking public transportation, police morale is at an all-time low,
everyone is killing and maiming and giving each other the finger,
metaphorically speaking. Do you think the government is doing a good
Alex: Absolutely! Those statistics are interesting, but like all
statistics, they are also irrelevant. Let me give you a better
statistic, Chavez. In 1980, when I was elected and you were, according
to the intelligence gathered on you, a man with no mission. You worked
as a clown at birthday parties, corporate functions, bar mitzvahs, and
go-go bars. You, realizing that you were a hollow man that can only
take on the personality of others, decided to become an actor… And
despite going up for 17 auditions that year, you only got work as a
fluffer in a sex ed. video. Your tax returns show that you earn less
than $2000. Suffering from anxiety, you attended a group therapy for a
year and considered getting a sex change. An idiot liberal felt sorry
for you and now you host your own radio show, write a newspaper column
(that lines my bird cage), you got an ex-wife and an attractive
girlfriend although she’s married to your best friend, and you’re on top
of the world. So answer me this… Can you really say the years of
living under my administration have been bad for you?
Maurice: Eh, eh. We are not talking about me. This is Pressing Issues,
not Pressing Maurice.
Callum: Yes, excuse me if I may. Can we get to the part where we press
Alex: You see, that’s what’s wrong with this city. Liberals just want
to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-
working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my
permission to beat them with sticks. We won’t prosecute. You’d be
doing us all a favor! Free love, wig out, don’t work, make love in the
field, and listen to rock-n-roll or whatever you call it. Meanwhile,
Crayshaw, I know your father. He’s made a lot of money which makes him
a great person, but for every good conservative they end up having some
wacko, commie kid just back from a vacation in the orient who wants to
share. Go take that sharing business to Cuba or Canada or somewhere. I
don’t have a trust fund or a rich daddy. I know what it is to be poor
and to look at the world from the other side. I slept my way to the
John: Ehem, if you two would stop, uh, hootin’ and carryin’ on, I have a
plan that will save Florida from the yellow-bellied snakes that want to
slither into this great state from all places north.
Alex: Oh, look. Stump-jumpin’ Jethro is using all three of his brain
cells to talk!
Maurice: Enough! We’ve just started and you have prooved yourself, Mr.
Shrub, to be just as they said. I grant you, 1980 was not a high point
in my career, but I never applied for a sex change. I was merely in an
exploratory phase and besides which, Sal the Wheat-free clown was a
funny act! Once voted the best upincoming dietary restrictive comic act
in the whole of Vice City. I tried to take it to the Catskills, but
Mount Scarylarge was full. Besides, we are not talking about me. We
are talking about you.
Alex: Actually, if I remember correctly, you didn’t win. Mary the Meat-
Free Mime won. In fact, under legislation I am proposing, all of you
vegetarians will be kicked out of Vice City. We were given canines and
bicuspids for a reason… To open packages of potato chips.
Maurice: Hey! Don’t get wrong! I always hated that bitch! What’s funny
about a woman not eating a hamburger, or miming saving a chicken from
the slaughterer’s hands? …Or her big act: «I Am a Milk Cow: A
Lactating Machine For Your Breakfast Cereal»? How do you think a little
kiddie enjoyed that on his birthday? Not very much. There were tears,
not laughter, I can assure you. Vegetarian performance art must be
John: Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat on a pogo stick! You city slickers got more
issues than a newsstand! Can we talk about public safety here? I ain’t
got all day!
Maurice: What? Is there a corn-on-the-cob eating contest you have to
get to? You have some chitilins and grits in the oven? You got a date
with your sister, eh?
John: Hey, be nice man! I just want to talk a little politics and you
made it all personal.
Maurice: Right, let’s all stop bickering, especially you Shrub. I’ve
got my eye on you. Public confidence is at an all-time low. Nobody
feels safe anymore. Just the other night, I saw a man running amuck
with a gun shouting he needed to defend himself. Gun sales are up, book
sales are down. What do you think, John F. Hickory. Please, press the
John: All right, that’s better! Sticking to the matter at hand… Well,
it’s quite simple mister. Immigration is to blame. People are flooding
into our state from all over America. Trash! It’s quite simple.
They’re bringing their high-polluting, upity, out-of-state ways and
corrputing the place. Ruin it! That’s why I and my organization
propose we take Florida out of the Union. We start anew as our own
country and ban people from Missouri or Kentucky or Philadelphia or any
of them facny places from settin’ foot on our soil!
Alex: You think what? Heh, have you been snortin’ blocks? Have you read
John: Yeah, I sure have. It talks about freedom. Freedom for Florida
from the stench of people movin’ here to retire or going on vacation.
Build your own damn theme park in your own damn state! Florida theme
parks is for Florida people only! That’s what I say. I mean, I don’t
go to Alabama to visit a theme park, so why do they come here?
Maurice: Mr. Hickory, your views are a little extreme. Plus, I don’t
believe there are theme parks in Alabama.
John: Then they should stop commin’ down my way and build Redneck Land
or whatever. Damn redneck hicks ain’t got no class! My views ain’t
extreme, mister, they’re common sense, and what a lot of people would
say if they had the guts. If you let people immigrate here from all
over the so-called «United States», guess what? There’s no more room!
We’ll be piled on top of each other like they are in Australia. What
we’re going to do soon is build a river… A river of freedom. A river
of hope. A river which runs from coast to coast that cuts us off from
the 47 states of wastrels and bad influcences to the north. We are
going to cut Florida off from the mainland of our oppressors and float
out to sea. Then, the nation of Florida will be free to start over.
There’re be no long-ass lines at the Long Flume or Pirate Ship ride when
I take over! You and the kids will be able to ride the rides all day!
We will have a rollercoaster for each and every Florida family!
Maurice: You know, you’re bordering on treason. What you are saying is
a very naughty thing, and only because here on Pressing Issues do we
believe so whole-heartedly in «free speech» are we allowing it.
John: It’s the truth, my friend, the damn truth, and before you start I
am not a racist. I hate everybody irrelevant of other issues, but I
especially hate yankees! By which I mean anyone from Georgia or further
north. Build your own theme parks, buy your own sun, grow your own damn
mosquito-infested swamp, pal! We’re going to build ourselves a river!
FBI, CI- I don’t give a damn! They can’t stop us. You, Shrub! You
yellow-bellied, tie-wearing, bribe-takin’ hypocrit! What have you done
for Vice City up there in Washington?
Alex: I’ve ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate
developers, and I’ve cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25
cents per household, over a six year period.
Callum: At the expense of society. Think of the little people. Poor
people have no voice in this city. Every time I find a park to meditate
in, someone brings in a bulldozer and builds condos. The madness must
Alex: So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to
park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You’re
beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and
sickle over a hamburger.
Callum: I’m not little. I’m 5’5″. It’s time for corporations and all
of capitalism to step aside for naturalism. You’re not saving this
planet, you’re spending it. Your credit is no good here. We can’t
afford to loan you anymore of our nature. Those are our trees. I only
wish I could be around a little longer to enjoy it. I feel so old.
Someone must take my legacy. I must train a little me!
Maurice: How old are you?
Callum: I’m 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything.
I’ve seen a lot of the world.
Alex: What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do
things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than
an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a
clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmire.
John: I agree with that. People from other countries are good for
nothing, that’s why we have to keep teachin’ them a lesson. I tell you
what makes a real man. A truck to pull stuff and a couch to think on.
Callum: I’ll tell you. Speaking as a sensualist, and by this I mean a
very narrow-minded, incentered (?) man of peace… Travel. I recently
went to Europe. I think everyone should see it for a week. You really
see what’s wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia.
Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather
shorts, mustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear
some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We’ve all got to
make some sacrifices if we’re going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the
money to set up an exciting trust there.
Maurice: But how does that help the people in Vice City from worrying
about whether they are going to get robbed? What drives a man to just
Callum: What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama,
so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or
pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It’s a
lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to
help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad’s money.
Alex: Listen Trust Fund Tommy, your ideas are pathetic. It’s no wonder
that mankind has woken up one day to find me in charge, amigo.
Maurice: Mr. Shrub, you got elected on a campaign promising to reduce
taxes to zero… But under your stewardship, we’ve seen taxes go up by
20% and services decline!
Alex: No on is interested in your statistics, Chavez. Let me tell you
something pal, I’m better than that. I will not- I shall not, I cannot
stoop to your level. They assured me that this was a show that
understood politics, where we can debate mano-a-mano, and I find myself
having statistics hurled at me like so much stale confetti. We cannot
boil people down to numbers! You have no idea, my friend, what it takes
to serve, the sacrifices I’ve made to help my country, to help Vice
City. The complexity of government, the… the hideousness of my wife
and… the way her thighs grow like our national debt. Oh oh, sure…
Some people like that, but not me! It’s a nightmare, my friend, and and
and… it’s thrown back at me by an ingrate like you. I can scarcely
get up in the morning.
Maurice: …And with that outrageous revelation, let’s take a quick
break to tell you something very informative. You’re listening to
Pressing Issues on Vice City Public Radio. Over to you, Jonathan.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Jonathan: Hello, and welcome back. I’m Jonathan Freeloader and you’re
listening to VCPR. This portion of Pressing Issues is brought to you by
Ammu-Nation, a proud supporter of public radio and our community. We
hope you’re enjoying Pressing Issues and the way it challenges your view
of society. Unfortunately, public radio in Vice City is under pressure.
That’s because we’re better than everyone! You can’t hear this kind of
hard-hitting, long drawn-out programing anywhere else… But, you have
to give money.
Michelle: That’s right, Jonathan. Money is important. It can be
exchanged for goods and services, like getting a hip replacement or
funding a starving child in Australia.
Jonathan: I feel all covered with flies right now! Call us. Pledge
your money. Give 10% of your income. That’s all we ask, and for that
you know everyone can be educated on the important things we discuss on
Michelle: 10% is a really small amount. I remember when I was
volunteering in Central America, to make myself appear less shallow, the
native peoples would give you 10% of their land for a pair of mirrored
sunglasses, and they would run around me saying, «Chicle! Chicle!»,
which is Espanol for «pretty woman». It was very spiritual, like waves!
Jonathan: Absolutely! But remember… This radio station could
disappear. The voice of unprofitable radio could be silenced. One day
you wake up, roll over, and she’s gone! You go into the kitchen,
there’s a note sprawled, a sound of a taxi leaving in the distance, a
thunderstorm rolls in… It’s a metaphor for my haircut, or this pledge
Michelle: Yes, the pledge drive. Become a member. Only members, or
people with radios, can listen to this radio station. Now, back to
Jonathan: Shouldn’t we give out the phone number?
Michelle: Like I tell the children at the library I volunteer at: «Look
it up yourself», «No, you can’t go to the bathroom», and «Stop crying!»
Jonathan: That’s good advice. Now, back to Pressing Issues.
[cuts back to Pressing Issues]
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues with me, Maurice Chavez. On our
panel, we’ve got the successionist lunatic, John F. Hickory; Liberal
rich kid, Callum Crayshaw; and Neo Facist congressman, Alex Shrub.
Gentleman, welcome back. Let’s start with you, Mr. Hickory. Why the F?
John: For «Florida»! I’m a patriot! I’ve even got an orange grove
tattooed all over my groin!
Maurice: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand: Public safety. How
do we get guns under control in this city?
Callum: By giving everyone hope… A dream of a better tomorrow. By
encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What’s the
satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a
ho, planting seeds in a peasent village?
Alex: Keep your «hoes» and «seeds» to yourself. We don’t need gun
control. If you read the Constitution, it’s a sacred document that
should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn’t vote, but
the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare-
mongers and non-believers, men like you Chavez, under control. I’ve got
a good mind to get your funding removed.
Maurice: We don’t get any funding.
Alex: Exactly. But… Good! Heh, you won’t see a penny out of me!
You’ve got to stop spreading these lies or I’ll whip you myself and I’m
not afraid. The Constitution inserts a man’s right to bear arms, and…
and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun… or
a bear causing problems? This is all cockypop, or… whatever that word
is. It keeps the place safe. Trouble is caused by unemployment, and
unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If
you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! …And if you had a
high-rise condo, a mistress, uh… and a seat on the board, would you
run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of
yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin’ and lockin’ and… Not a
hope. It’s simple. If you don’t have a job, starve. Get out of my
constituency by force if necessary, and starve.
Maurice: That’s quite simple. Are you really saying that?
Alex: Of course I am. Vice City is a growing city, and of course there
are going to be some growing pains. Well, what I tell people is this:
Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it,
and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission.
Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort
destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom,
the… Shrub-inspired boom… And enjoy the kind of things sensible
people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger
collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.
John: No no no no! Keep them out of here! We DO NOT want anymore old
folks! If there are any old people listening, go back to your homes!
Florida does not want you! Please, die somewhere else! What’s wrong
with Nevada or Kansas? We want a river! We need a river! The freedom
Maurice: …And what about the other crimes? It seems car crime,
fashion crime, drugs, everything is on the rise.
Callum: Absolutely, of course it is! When I was in Uganda people were
poor, but they were happy. The more you have, the less you have.
That’s kind of what I’m all about. Their satisfaction in spendning all
day weaving a basket, rather than just buying one at the store. At one
point in Uganda, I saw a great lake of sand and a massive speaking dog.
It was a dog of love, not of hate. It was a spirit journey.
Maurice: What ARE you talking about?!?!
Callum: I’m talking about hopes… Dreams… The magic of television.
Especially public television. Puppets can say what men cannot.
Maurice: Yes, but how will that stop people taking baseball bats and
pounding the living crap out of each other as I saw at a mother’s PTA
group meeting recently?
Alex: Baseball is our national sport- Our national passtime. Joining
together as men to reward the act of running around in a circle. I will
thank you not to take its name in vain, Chavez.
John: I hate that Spring Training. Who do those guys think they are?
Comin’ here and gettin’ in the way… Showin’ us no respect! Drinkin’
our orange juice and seducin’ our womenfolk! Train in your own home,
mister! Our national game down here, my friend, is diggin’! Diggin’ a
big ditch. A ditch of hope, which will flood into a river of freedom.
So far, we’ve dug 17 feet. We’re almost free… Almost! When we are
floatin’ away in the Caribbean Sea, free to run our way, singing,
«Kumbaya!!» (don’t remember how to spell it) in the sunshine! No
school, no tax! Free barbeque and pinball for everyone! Sophisticated
Maurice: Yes, but what about the little guy? What about the guy who is
standing there saying, «I like being part of America. I like it a lot!
I get public radio! I can hear Maurice Chavez! I own a small, one
bedroom home… A business selling flowers to people stuck in traffic…
Three or four radios, all turned on to VCPR… A dog… 15 ice cubes…
But I don’t feel safe. I’m worried about gangs.»
Alex: Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and
demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a
poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in
silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job
and making his parent proud? The dream of America is to live in a
duplex and share a yard. Why… Why would anyone want to threaten that
great future? Answer me that and I’ll show you a green dog.
Callum: …And, Speaking for the Underdog, the foundation I set up for
my trust fund… We believe gangs are a valid expression of a people’s
identity. A grouping… A community within a community. Gangs are a
way to be noticed in the boxy suburbs. You scream out, rather than
urinate at the edge of your camp like a proud native. We spray paint
our names on the walls at the mall to ward off predators.
Maurice: …And that’s supposed to terrify people?
Callum: No, no! We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to
life’s problems. Gangs have to learn to love… To be inclusionary.
We’d award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear.
It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness,
not a garden tool.
Maurice: Yes, but what about the guy getting beaten up on the street…
or the man having his motorcycle stolen? What about him?
Callum: …Or her! Some of the best bikers are really women. Anyone
can join our group. This is about poor people getting together.
Maurice: …But your father owns half of Florida. How are you part of
the working class?
Callum: Like I said, possessions are not important at all. I’ll pick up
a hitchhiker in my convertible any day. The other day, I picked up a
young woman and we discussed a non-violent solution to war. We called
Alex: Your father is a great man. He’s done more for the arms trade in
this state than anyone else, myself included, and you shame him with
this socialist jiggery-pokery-hoot-nanny. America needs hope, not songs
or are supposed to send food to the poor. Songs will get you nowhere.
This country needs something to aim for, like being rich and laughing at
poor people… Or, being in government and laughing at the electorate.
Maurice: Now, now Mr. Shrub. Let’s not make this personal. I
appreciate your attempt to press the point, but we are here to press the
issue! Vice City is in trouble, and I think we are not really providing
any serious solution. So far, we’ve got successionism, rearing it’s
ugly head for the first time in a century and a half. We’ve got «ignore
it» and we’ve got «give everyone a flower»! You’re all a little
[all begin arguing incoherently]
Maurice: Not to say, «Over-opinionated and moronic,» Mr. Crayshaw, how
do we stop people running amock in the city with machine guns and heavy
Callum: You got to give a man a chance. Prisons are overflowing with
wasted potential. Make the guilty men innocent once more. Free them
Maurice: How… How on Earth do you do that?
Callum: Well, um… [brief pause] You can let them off-
Maurice: Marvelous, great! That’s a sensible plan!
Callum: Then they wouldn’t be guilty anymore!
Alex: We’ve been doing that for years, you idiot. How do you think we
keep prison costs down? It ain’t by magic or cookin’ the books (we save
that for «education»), but as in most things we in government are saving
money so that you don’t have to. When we spend less money on services,
more goes to administration salaries and expenses which helps make lives
a lot less difficult for everybody. It’s about sharing; Sharing your
taxes out amongst the select few. That’s why I worked so hard at
school, so I can reap the rewards now.
Maurice: Mmm… I thought you worked hard at school because the other
kids laughed at you and called you a square.
Alex: Tha-That’s a damn lie! They called me wet fart.
Callum: They called me «The Bat» because my voice didn’t break until I
Maurice: So, Mr. Shrub, I take it you don’t believe in regulation.
Alex: I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with
lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral
people who won’t do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.
Maurice: …But since you got elected, Vice City has been characterized
by a government who cut aid to the poor, offered tax breaks to the rich,
and paid people to dump toxic waste near schools.
Alex: Yes, we’ve made a lot of progress!
Maurice: …And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing
through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of «Giggle Cream», a
dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Alex: Uh… Not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them
probably deserved it.
Maurice: So, with people being set such a bad example by big business,
how are they supposed to respect each other, to act safely in society,
and how are they policed by a demoralized and under-funded police force.
Alex: Well… I’m afraid that’s apparently quite a difficult question,
but my solution is easy. I’m going to talk for a long time about a
subject not in anyway related and pretty soon people will forget about
it. I’ll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my
stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than
before, while crime rates only go up if you don’t turn the graph upside
down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex
Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you’ll have a friendly face in the
White House. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and
laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business.
Just send me a letter. I’ll send you an automated, photocopied
response. We call it «democracy» and that’s where the money goes.
Maurice: Uh, just a minute-
Alex: Don’t interrupt! Let me finish.
Maurice: But you’re not-
Alex: This man won’t let me speak! You, shorty! Shut up and let me
speak! I’m taller than him, ladies and gentlemen, by at least three
inches, which means I’m a lot more respectable looking. Everyone knows
politicians lie and steal and cheat, but at least with me in charge, you
know I look good and I have a very supercilious manner. Besides which,
I’ve been abroad and I prefer it here because I’m a man of the people.
Vote Shrub! You’ll get richer and you won’t feel guilty about it!
Maurice: Enough! We’re running out of time and you completely failed to
answer the question.
Alex: I’m a professional. That’s my job.
Maurice: [sighs] …And Mr. Hickory, what about you?
John: Alright! These problems are typical of what happens with an open
border to the north. The state is filling up with trash; People who
can’t tell the difference between a swamp and a marsh. Guys who don’t
the first thing about the legality of marrying within the family.
That’s why we need a river. People, I’m telling you pick up your
spades, go into your garden. Start diggin’ as deep and as far as you
can. Pretty soon, the whole state will be flooded in ruin, and then,
they’ll have to leave. We must build a moat to the north or they will
come down and ruin this great state.
Maurice: …And Mr. Hickory, were you born in Florida?
John: Tuhah! What a stuipd question! Of all the cheek!
Maurice: Were you?
John: Of course not! No one’s been born in Florida since 1877! BUT…!
I’ve been here five years which is a very long time.
Maurice: Yes it is! A very long time. Almost as long as this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, you are listening to Pressing Issues with me,
Maurice Chavez. Presiding over the least informed debate on the radio.
I this episode of pressing the issue, we had Alex Shrub, Callum
Crayshaw, and John «Florida» Hickory discussing safety. I’ve guess
you’ve all got to make up your own minds. Should we be as wet as fish,
or a corrupt, money-grabbing thief? Gentlemen, I feel we really got
somewhere, and that Vice City and people everywhere know a lot more than
they did before we began. And now, over to Jonathan and Melissa to talk
to you about public radio in your area.
[cuts to Jonathan and Michelle]
Michelle: You’re listening to VCRP, the radio station for disoriented
and unrealistic college professors who wear fuzzy sweaters and find
everything terribly interesting. I’m Michelle Montanius.
Jonathan: …And I’m Jonathan Freeloader! Public radio is very
important. You may have heard my recent hour long story about my hike
in the park.
Michelle: That was fascinating, and very important for everyone, even
the blind. Play a selection, Jonathan.
[footsteps are heard]
Jonathan: I think this is the part where I came to the big tree.
Michelle: I almost felt like I was there. You won’t get this kind of
nauseating detail on commercial radio. VCPR is 100% commercial free.
Absolutely nothing interrupts your enjoyment of our fine programing and
ability to tackle the important things like Jonathan’s walk in the park,
but we need you. Think of yourself as a member of this station, except
you aren’t allowed in the doors. That’s an important metaphor for life.
Jonathan: Yes, how wonderful would it be to own an hour of this radio
station! We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch. That’s
great! Farewell Ranch is a great place to take your loved one. Just
dial 866-9-BURYME. Remember, VCPR is commerical and interest free.
Donate your money now! Let’s get back to Pressing Issues.